Just as soon as the new broke of Anele “Nellie“ Tembe’s fatal fall from a Cape Town hotel, social media went into overdrive, speculating about her unexpected death.
The 22-year-old was the fiancée of rapper AKA, real name Kiernan Forbes. The couple had been dating for just over a year.
They had been in Cape Town for a gig that he was headlining, and had been spotted at the Waterfront earlier that day, shopping for clothes for their traditional wedding ceremony.
There was an outpouring of messages to Forbes and the Tembe family, with celebs and fans sending their condolences.
And then there was the darker side.
Although the events leading to her death have not been revealed and are under investigation, Twitter users were quick to jump to conclusions, some even questioning the rapper’s involvement.
Others asked why he hadn’t said anything publicly for someone who is always vocal on social media.
What most forgot to acknowledge was the grief and pain of losing someone that mattered dearly to him.
Losing someone or something important to you can be incredibly difficult. It destabilises your perception of reality, creates a void and triggers pain that is often extremely challenging to manage.
And losing someone in a violent or unexpected way can be very traumatic.
“Families of victims often react with shock, numbness or dissociation (feeling like it’s a dream),” said counselling psychologist Rakhi Beekrum while writing about grief in The Post.
“In the midst of coming to terms with the violent loss/es, they are often still required to comply with police investigations, autopsy reports, planning funerals and so on.”
In dealing with all this, fans expect AKA to engage with them, when what he really needs is empathy and the privacy to grieve in peace.
He owes us nothing – not a why, not a how and not a what.
For those who are dealing with the loss of a loved one, the South African Depression and Anxiety Group suggests:
Get support
Support from others is important in the healing process. It’s important to express your feelings with people you trust when you’re grieving. Accept support; don’t try to grieve alone, no matter how strong and self-sufficient you are. Sometimes people want to help but don’t know how to – tell them what you need.
Take care of yourself
The stress of loss can deplete your energy and emotional reserves very quickly. Look after your physical and emotional needs.
Face your feelings
You may be able to suppress your grief for a while but you can’t avoid it. Healing means facing your feelings and acknowledging your pain. Unresolved grief can also lead to depression, anxiety, substance abuse and health problems.
Express your feelings
In whatever way makes sense to you, express your feelings. Write about your loss in a journal; write a letter saying the things you never got to say; make a scrapbook or photo album; get involved in a cause or organisation that was important to him or her; or allow yourself alone time to mourn in your own way. Keeping your pain bottled up doesn’t help you heal.
Plan ahead for the ‘empty chair’
Anniversaries, holidays, favourite music can reawaken memories and feelings. Be prepared for an emotional thump, and know that it’s normal.
For grief counselling, call Sadag’s 24-hour hotline at 0800 456 789.