I don’t often miss the good old days. I do sometimes wonder if we are not pushing the envelope so far that it’s going to swing back and smack us in the face.
In the old days, good or bad, we were monogamous or not. Let’s face it; those of us who considered ourselves to be monogamous often weren’t. Ask yourself, “How many people do you know, where one or both parties have stepped out and had an affair?”
Just think about how many genders we have now. In my day you were a male or a female and very occasionally someone was born with both genitals and they were considered as Middle Sex or hermaphrodites. But that is not what this column is about.
This week I want to write about the various types of non-monogamy. Let’s name the ones I know or have read about Polyamory, Hierarchical Polyamory, Non-Hierarchical Polyamory, Solo Polyamory, Polyfidelity Relationship Anarchy, monogamish, Swinging, Open Relationships. I’m exhausted just thinking about it.
Polyamory, along with swinging are probably the most known. Polyamory is for those of us who want to have multiple romantic and sexual relationships. The difference to a common garden variety affair is that all the participants know about the others. There is complete transparency and consent.
They may seek an emotional relationship with the parties involved, or it could just be sexual. This may be a permanent lifestyle for the partners or something that is practised on and off depending upon their current relationships. I know couples who play in this arena, and it seems to work very well for them. It has been going on for years.
Hierarchical Polyamory is very similar except that the relationships are ranked. The parties may refer to my primary partner and secondary partners. In this case, the primary relationship will set the rules of engagement for the secondary partners. Some relationships may take priority over others.
This becomes increasingly important in relationships where children are involved. The primary relationship is usually the pair that has children together but not always. Non-Hierarchical Polyamory rejects the concept of hierarchy and ranking system.
The importance of each relationship usually depends on how long the respective partners have been together and who you live with (nesting partner) or not. In non-hierarchical polyamory, no partner is given preference over the others. They may spend equal amounts of time together or participate equally in making major decisions, such as having children or buying a house.
This situation is also sometimes called egalitarian polyamory. Then we get Solo Polyamory, not to be confused with a single, polyamorous person. This is a branch of polyamory that views personal agency as a core value. These individuals don’t merge with the group.
And don’t focus on the couple or group dynamics. They don’t merge their finances or lifestyles with their partners. In other words, it is someone who has multiple intimate relationships but has an independent or single lifestyle. They have no desire to reach traditional relationship milestones.
Polyfidelity gets a bit complicated. It’s a type of romantic relationship with three or more people, but they only date each other. They do not date outside the group. There is a closed relationship dynamic.
Relationship Anarchy burns all the rules. It's the practice that does away with some (and sometimes all) the traditional sociocultural 'rules' or formalities applied to romantic relationships. There is no hierarchy between friendships, romantic or sexual relationships.
All relationships have equal value. I’m not sure if this is genius or just very complicated like a modern-day gender reveal! You can make the rules up as you go along as long as everyone consents.
Monogamish. This one I got and may even have agreed to without knowing its name. You know that game where your partner gets a free pass if they have the opportunity to have sex with, let's say George Clooney! You could also have the agreement that you can step out when you travel.
The important part is permission and consent. Swinging Involves partners engaging in sexual play with other individuals or couples. Usually together or in the same room or space.
In my day, the swinger clubs did a roaring trade. I’m a bit out of touch, but I believe they are still going strong. Swingers typically seek out physical connections rather than emotional ones.
Which brings me to an Open Relationship. A bit like swinging in that it is physical rather than emotional. This involves partners that have sexual interactions outside their relationship. One or both partners can participate. Once again consent is required by both parties.
I don't know how many times I’ve heard someone say “we have an open relationship,” and the other partner has no idea.
Now I am exhausted! I would be remiss in my duty as an educator if I did not stress that everyone has got to be on board. More than that, everyone has got to practise safe sex. Because at the end of it all you don’t want it to be a danger to anyone both physically and emotionally.
Play with care. Don’t agree to any of this if you are not 100% convinced or committed.
Saturday Star